


What I See

by IvanW



Series: Forever [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blindness, Bonding, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Romance, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-13 02:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1209028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nearing the end of their five-year mission, Jim is injured and forced to give up command of the Enterprise as well as everything else he's known. This is the aftermath.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jim woke with a headache. Not a sharp pain, but a dull ache that seemed to always exist whenever he was awake. No matter how much medication, how many hyposprays, how many scans…he endured…it was always the same.

Ever since the end of the last mission. His last mission, anyway. Ever since the injury that ended his Starfleet career. Ever since he ended…everything…with Spock.

He sat up and rubbed his temples. It didn’t help, never did. He rubbed them anyway. Then, he turned to his left leg. Rubbed it too. Didn’t make the constant ache there go away either. But this was his routine. Every day since.

From his room he could hear rummaging in the main room. Or perhaps the kitchen as it sounded like pots and pans being clanged together and the opening and closing of cabinets. Bones was up before him, of course.

Carefully he swung his legs to the floor and stood. If he didn’t start off slow his left leg would give out and it would trouble him for the rest of the day. He limped to the bathroom and felt for the faucet to turn on the shower. He’d managed to learn the exact path to the bathroom. In fact, he knew his way around the first floor of the house pretty well, though it had taken a few months to get it all without bumping into walls and furniture. That had surprised him given he’d grown up in this farmhouse in Riverside. He’d thought it would be easier.

Jim didn’t know why he rose every day and bothered to shower. There was no one here besides him and Bones. In the beginning, when he’d first moved back to Riverside and Bones had come with him, he’d had visitors. Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty. They’d all come by. And they’d been nice. Too nice. He heard the regret and pity in their voices. It was too much. Reminded him too much of all that he’d lost.

He’d been glad when they were reassigned to other ships, other crews… space again. As far from Jim and Riverside as they could be. Good for them.

Jim took off his shorts and T-shirt and got into the shower, holding onto the safety bars that had been installed for him. Feeling along the shower wall, he found the basket containing the bottle of shampoo and squeezed out enough to wash his hair. Next he grabbed the bar of soap and washed the rest of him. He then got out and dressed in a pair of jeans and another T-shirt. Bones had arranged his dresser drawers so that his shirts were in one drawer, his underwear and socks in another, and his pants in yet another. Made things easier for him.

“Good morning, Jim,” Bones called from the kitchen as soon as Jim stepped out of his first floor bedroom. Back when Jim had been a kid that had been the room his grandparents stayed in when they visited the family. The smell of the room still reminded him of his grandmother’s Lily of the Valley cologne.

“Hey Bones.”

“I’m making breakfast. You want coffee I assume?”

“That would be great.”

Jim took his seat at the dining room table as Bones brought him a mug of coffee. He wrapped his hands around it, inhaling the aroma of fresh brewed coffee. It was nice to have Bones. Everyone should have one, he thought with a small smile. “What’s the weather like?”

“Raining just like yesterday.”

He sighed. “I was going to try for a walk.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Bones said. There was a short pause and then, “You got a message today.”

Jim frowned. “Me? From who?”

“Uhura. She’s coming by this afternoon to see you.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know, Jim. Maybe because she still considers you her friend?”

“Well, you’re the only friend I need. You don’t treat me with pity.”

“What’s to pity? You can still walk and talk and function.” Bones paused. “You need a shave again though. All that scruff on your face.”

Jim grinned. “You don’t think it makes me look sexy?”

Bones snorted. “You? Sexy? Please. I’ll give you a shave later after breakfast.”

“Nah, don’t bother. Maybe I’ll grow a beard.” Jim shrugged. “What are we having anyway?”

“Sausage, biscuits and gravy, and grits.”

“What? Again? God, you and your damn grits.”

“What did you make?” Bones asked.

Jim sighed. “Yeah, okay. Grits it is.”

****

The first thing he noticed as Bones opened the door was her perfume. Exotic and flowery.

“Hi Leonard, how are you?” Uhura asked. Jim noticed the slight tremor in her voice. Funny how your other senses picked up more when you lost one.

“I’m okay, Nyota. You?”

“Pretty good. We got some time off while the ship’s being repaired so I thought I’d come see my two favorite guys.”

“Since when?” Jim asked, as she embraced him. She hugged him tight and for a few minutes before she drew back.

“Since forever, you idiot. Come sit with me on the couch.” She led him to the sofa and they sat side by side.

“I’ll bring us all some coffee,” Bones offered.

“Thanks, Leonard.” Uhura still had a hold of Jim’s arm and it didn’t seem like she intended to let go any time soon. “You look good, Jim.”

“Yeah? Bones said I needed a shave.”

“You got a little sexy thing going on.”

“See, Bones, Uhura says it’s sexy!” Jim called out.

“Yeah, yeah,” Bones grumbled from the kitchen.

For a moment there was nothing but awkward silence. Jim felt a lump in his throat and a pain in his chest. He didn’t want to ask, but couldn’t not ask. It’s not like he didn’t think about it every second he was awake. Maybe when he wasn’t awake, too.

“How-how is he?”

“Spock’s fine, Jim. He’s spending a couple of days seeing his father in San Francisco because of the repairs.”

Spock was Captain of the Enterprise now.

“What did you do to my ship?”

“A Romulan battle. We won, but the ship had some pretty major damage.”

Jim nodded. It wasn’t like he should care now. Or even could care. He’d lost the Enterprise.

She squeezed his arm, her touch achingly gentle. “He’s coming here.”

“Who’s coming here?”

“Spock,” she said her tone gentler still.

Jim shook his head. “No, he isn’t.”

“He is, Jim. He wants to see you.”

“Well, I can’t see him.”

“I know.” She sighed. “Listen, I don’t know what he wants to say, but he did want me to let you know he’s coming to see you. He didn’t want you to be unprepared.”

The lump in his throat grew bigger. He loved Spock. He would always love Spock, even if it was best they weren’t together anymore. What did Spock need with someone like him? Having Spock near him again? Jim didn’t know if he could handle that.

“Jim?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?” That waver was back in her voice.

Was he okay? Stupid question. He was not okay. Never would be again. “Sure. You wanna stay here at the house? There are lots of rooms upstairs.”

“That would be really great,” she said, then he felt her lean forward as she kissed his cheek.   

    


	2. Chapter 2

He became exhausted with hardly any effort since the incident. And sleep didn’t come easily, if at all. So after a few sips of coffee with Uhura and Bones, Jim went to lie down until dinner. Or maybe it was an excuse to avoid them. Whatever.

When he did manage to sleep, the dreams came. Dreams that forced him to relive it. That day. Like a constant video replay in his mind. A way to haunt him about the decisions he made. Were they the right ones? Did something he gave the order for cause what happened? Starfleet didn’t blame him, officially anyway, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t at fault. Most of the time the dreams went pretty much the way the mission had actually happened.

They were nearing the end of their five-year mission. Jim had already been informed by Admiral Archer that he and the Enterprise would get another five-year mission. He’d been happy about that. It was proof that after all his fuck-ups in the beginning, Starfleet trusted him now.

It was just supposed to be a routine mission down on one of the last planets they had to visit before returning to Earth for some much needed shore leave. Somehow it all went wrong and there was a system overload. Spock was right there when it would explode. Jim pushed him out of the way, pushed him clear, and then…bam. There was an explosion. Jim was thrown into the wall. He had broken limbs and a bashed-in head. It was a near thing that he even survived.

In the end his left leg was deformed and his eyesight gone. Spock was alive though. Unharmed. And because of that, Jim didn’t—couldn’t—regret it. He would do it over again without hesitation.

Sometimes the dreams changed, though, and he didn’t push Spock away soon enough to avoid the explosion. Spock wasn’t just injured in those dreams…he was blown apart.

Jim woke from one such dream gasping and sweating. He sat up, his stomach clenching, heaving, but nothing came up, just a dry heave. His leg throbbed, his head ached and he couldn’t see. But he could breathe again, knowing it had been just a dream, and in reality he had saved Spock.    

Only that mattered. Everything else he could handle. He would handle.

Once his racing heart calmed again, Jim listened to the sounds from the house. He could hear Uhura and Bones speaking from the living room, so he guessed it wasn’t time for dinner yet. He turned onto his back and stared up at a ceiling he couldn’t see.

****

“Where will you go next, Spock?”

Spock stood at the windows of his father’s apartment, hands clenched behind his back, staring out at the San Francisco skyline. Sarek had kept an apartment there since he was the Vulcan ambassador to Earth.

“I am going to Iowa,” he replied, keeping his voice flat, devoid of the emotions roiling within him.

Sarek came to stand with him by the window. “I did wonder when you would go to your mate.”

Spock nodded. “The situation has been…undesirable.”

“You need a bondmate, Spock. If James Kirk is unable to function as your mate, the bond should be dissolved.”

“Can a bond like ours be dissolved?” Spock asked.

“Having no direct knowledge myself of a spontaneous bond of that nature, I am uncertain. It would be necessary to consult the Vulcan High Council.”

“I understand. I do not believe he will object to the bond being dissolved.”

“That is fortunate then. I know this is not the outcome you would have preferred.”

“No.” Spock turned from the window. “I will depart in the morning.”

“I await your word on when we will travel to New Vulcan,” Sarek replied, holding his fingers in the ta’al. “Live Long and Prosper, Spock.”

“Live Long and Prosper, Father.”

He had belongings to pack.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim listened to Uhura’s stories about the most recent missions of the Enterprise. The ones they’d taken without him. He thought he had laughed or made exclamations of surprise in all the right places, but he wasn’t entirely sure. Bones had poured him a glass of red wine and they’d eaten spaghetti with meat sauce.

“Is it weird without everyone being there?” Bones asked as he nudged Jim and handed him a piece of garlic bread.

“Yeah at first,” Uhura said. “Some of the same crew is there. The CMO is Chapel, of course.”

“Good for Christine. I’m glad she decided to go to medical school when she did,” Bones said.

“Of course you guys aren’t there and Chekov and Sulu either.”

“Where are they now?”

Jim figured Bones asked all these questions because he couldn’t really make himself participate in the conversation. He tried, well sort of, at first, but his mind drifted to the only thing he really cared about…Spock.

“Chekov’s on the Bradbury and Sulu’s on the Constellation,” Uhura said.

“Jim, why don’t you and Uhura go sit in the living room? I’ll clean up here and then come in with dessert.”

“Okay,” Jim said, but what he really wanted to say was he was going to bed. He didn’t want to sit and talk about old times and he sure as hell didn’t want to talk about new times.

“You’ve been pretty quiet all night,” Uhura said softly from beside him on the couch. “I’m not sure I’m used to quiet Jim.”

“It’s the new me.” Jim shrugged. “I would have thought you’d like it. Didn’t you always think I was a loud-mouthed idiot?”

“I stopped thinking of you like that a long time ago and you know it. I care about you a lot. You’re one of my dearest friends and I love you.” Uhura sighed. “And here’s something that may surprise you, I still think of you as my captain.”

He pushed away the lump in his throat with sheer will. “You’ve got Spock now. In fact, I’m surprised you two aren’t back together.”

This time she inhaled sharply. “I might take back the part about not thinking you’re an idiot. I’m not in love with Spock. I love him, yes, just as I love you and Leonard and all my other friends. And I can assure you, Captain…Jim…he most definitely is not in love with me.”

He fought himself not to ask just who Spock was in love with. Spock had every right to find someone else. It was Jim who ended things between them and he couldn’t--wouldn’t—regret that.

“What does Spock want? Why is he coming here?”

“I don’t know, Jim. He just commed me to say he was coming and to let you know.”

She sounded convincing enough but Jim didn’t believe her. Even after Spock and Uhura had ceased being a couple they had been very close friends. Shared many secrets.

“He misses you,” she said after several minutes of silence.

“I’m sure he misses the bond not me.”

“You _are_ the bond. One doesn’t exist without the other.”

Jim didn’t want to think of it, think of Spock. Any of it. That part of his life was over and now he had…this. Whatever this was. Eventually he would have to live on his own. He couldn’t expect Bones to give up his life to take care of Jim.

Jim stood.

“Where are you going?” Uhura asked.

“To my room. I’m tired.”

****

There was a tap on his door.

“Yeah?”

The door opened. “What’s going on with you, kid?”

“How old do I have to be before you stop calling me kid? Jesus, Bones, I’m hardly a kid anymore. I was a captain for…how long was I a captain?”

“Long time.”

“Yeah.”

He felt the mattress dip as Bones sat. “You’re acting a little strange even for you lately, Jim.”

“I guess.” Jim sighed. “You know, we really should look into that visor thing they’re just developing for the blind. The one that helps us see.”

“No way, Jim. They attach that thing to your brain and it goes into your temples. You wouldn’t see like you do before, it’s more cybernetic technology with electromagnetic and infrared. Hasn’t really been tested. Not to my satisfaction.”

“Gotta test it on someone. And if that’s a no go, then I need to go to some sort of school so I can learn to do everything for myself.  I don’t want you stuck with me like this, Bones. It’s not fair to you.”

“This isn’t about me, it’s about Spock and we both know it.” Bones patted Jim’s legs. “You don’t think I see the way you react every time his name is mentioned? Maybe Spock coming here is a good thing.”

“I don’t see how.”

“Jim, you know I love you like fucking crazy. You’re my best friend. But you can hardly breathe without Spock. And it was like that for you even before that bond thingy you two have. With him coming here, maybe the two of you can work things out. He didn’t want your relationship to end. We both know that.”

“I’m blind. I can’t saddle him with that.”

“Spock didn’t see it that way.”

“At first maybe he wouldn’t. But he’d come to change his mind. And anyway, he’d be on the ship and I’d be down here. We’d never be together.”

“Spock wouldn’t have accepted the command of the Enterprise if you hadn’t dumped him.”

“I didn’t dump him.”

“Could have fooled me. You’re a real idiot sometimes, Jim. But we all love you. Talk to Spock when he comes. And keep your mind and heart open.”   

   
  



	4. Chapter 4

Jim came out of his bedroom the next morning when he heard noises coming from the kitchen. According to the computer voice in his room it was just after seven.

“Bones?” he called out.

“No, it’s me, Captain,” Uhura said.

“Not Captain, Nyota.” Jim made his way to the kitchen. “What are you doing?”

“Thought I’d give Leonard a break and make breakfast this morning,” she said cheerfully. “I already have your coffee ready for you at the table.”

“Yeah?”

“Heard you getting up.”

Jim sat down at the table and found his coffee. “What are you making? And please tell me not grits.”

Uhura laughed. “No, not grits. Buckwheat pancakes.”

“Buckwheat? Wow, I didn’t think anyone made those anymore.” Jim frowned. “We had buckwheat here?”

“Yep. I guess Leonard bought some last time he went shopping.”

“Well, hell, why did he keep making grits?”

“Grits is a fine southern food, kid,” Bones said, coming into the kitchen. He laid a hand on Jim’s head and ruffled his hair.  “Mornin’, Darlin’.”

“You calling me darling now?” Jim asked.

“Not you. I’m talking to Nyota. Everything isn’t about you, ya know.”

“It isn’t?” Jim smiled. “Hmm. I thought it was.”

Bones ruffled his hair again and sat next to him at the table. “Anything I can do to help, Nyota?”

“I got this. Just chill, Leonard. You need a break.”

Jim knew that was true, which made him feel instantly guilty. He’d been relying way too much on Bones. Cooking for him, shaving him, living here with him to make sure he didn’t fall and hurt himself.  It was fucked up.

Not for the first time Jim thought it would have been better if he’d just died during the explosion. He wouldn’t have been a burden to anyone then. Sure, they would have mourned him. But eventually they would get over the loss of him and move on with their lives. Now he was nothing but a burden for those around him. Something he could not do to Spock, yet he was doing it to Bones.

Jim pushed his coffee mug away and stood. “You—you know, I’m not really hungry.”

“Jim—?”

“I’m going for a walk.”

“A walk?” Bones repeated. “Nyota’s making breakfast.”

“I said I’m not hungry.”

“Well, hang on, and I’ll get my coat and go with you,” Bones said, rising.

“No. I don’t need you to go with me. Just stay here and eat breakfast.”

“Jim—”

“I’m not a fucking invalid, Bones. Just leave me alone,” Jim said angrily. Too angrily, he knew. He was being an asshole.

He felt his way to the back door, opened it and went outside. It was cold. Not bitterly, though that would come later, maybe even later that day, but enough so that Jim wished he’d had a jacket.

Didn’t really know where he was going, but he counted his steps carefully, because when he’d been outside before that’s how he kind of knew where he was and how to get back.

The door to the house clanged and he knew someone else had come outside. Jim froze, waited.

Flowers and spice.

Suddenly a jacket was thrown over his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I know you were making breakfast.”

“I still am. And you’re gonna come back inside and eat it in a little bit. Aren’t you, Jim?”

Her commanding tone made him smile. “You should be captain.”

“I learned from the best.”

Jim laughed at that. “Come on, Nyota. You barely tolerated me.”

She sighed. “You’re still living in the past. The way past. I can’t even tell you how much I admire you. There aren’t any words.”

“So it was your turn to give me a pep talk too?”

Her arm looped through his arm. “You are incredibly stubborn.”

His lips twitched. “One of my qualities.”

“What are you doing out here, Jim? Why’d you suddenly leave?”

Jim shrugged. “I guess it was all that talk about Bones needing a break.”

“Yeah?”

“It’s true you know. He’s done all this stuff for me. Given up his career, his life, to help me. And I don’t fucking know why.”

“Because he loves you. We all love you. Most of us would follow you anywhere. Some day you’re gonna get it through that incredibly thick skull. You matter to us, Jim. Leonard does all this stuff for you because he wants to, not because he has to.”

A lump formed in his throat and God he hated that. He felt on the verge of tears almost every waking moment these days. The things he used to draw strength from…his command…his crew…Spock…the bond. All of it was gone now. Except Bones and maybe Nyota. At least until she went back to the Enterprise.

Her hand touched his cheek. “Come back inside and have breakfast with Leonard and me. Please?”

Jim nodded. “Okay.” And she led him, with her arm still looped with his, back into the house.


	5. Chapter 5

Spock stepped off the transport in Riverside, Iowa. He’d been there before, of course. Several times. Besides Starfleet having a presence there it had been Jim’s home.

He exhaled slowly.

And was Jim’s home again.

The bond thrummed low just being this near Jim and Spock had to resist the urge to lower the shields he had put up when Jim left him. There was an aching, painful emptiness inside him. It called out to Jim to fill it, heal it. The bond wanted its mate. Spock wanted his mate.

Coming there to tell Jim he wanted to break the bond would change everything. For good or bad.

Spock steeled himself against the gaping hole trying to consume him and made his way toward the area where he could rent transportation to the farmhouse.

**** 

When Jim walked back inside the farmhouse after his walk, which he’d insisted on doing alone, there were no noises of any kind.

“Bones? Nyota?” He took off his coat and placed it on a chair he knew was nearby.

Nothing.

Jim frowned. Maybe they’d gone out for their own walk. God knew the farm could be as boring as hell. He sighed and made his way to the kitchen. The problem was he was dying for a cup of coffee. And well, he hadn’t really done much around the kitchen since arriving here with Bones.

How hard could it be to make a fucking pot of coffee? Maybe he should put in replicators for when Bones finally went to live his life. It would be easier than learning his way around the kitchen. He’d never been good at cooking anyway.

No, no, he could do this. He felt along the counter until he found the coffee maker. He picked up the carafe with one hand and felt for the sink with the other. He blew out a breath and turned on the faucet.

He heard footsteps coming down the stairs, low murmured voices, and then the smack of lips against lips.

The carafe slipped from his fingers and crashed to the floor with the loud sound of glass shattering into a million pieces.

“Jim?” Bones startled voice.

 _Fuck_.

He dropped to his haunches to find the mess he’d made and immediately put his hand on broken glass. He felt the sharp sting as it sliced his finger.

“Jim!” Bones was there in an instant and he pulled Jim up to stand. He had Jim’s hands in his. “What the hell were you doing?”

“I was trying to make a fucking cup of coffee.” Jim shrugged away from him angrily. “Seems like I can’t even manage that!”

“I’ll clean it up.” Uhura’s voice.

“Give me your hand, Jim. You’re all cut up.”

“No! Leave me the fuck alone.” Jim stumbled away from Bones, tripped on a dining room chair, ignored the gasp from Uhura, and struggled to his feet. He was breathing heavily and his hand hurt like hell.

“Damn it, Jim, will you just—”

But he went out the back door and out into the brutally cold afternoon. The door slammed on its hinges.

“Come back here, Kirk!” Bones shouted, coming after him.

Jim felt himself being yanked to a stop and his injured hand was grabbed again.

“What’s gotten into you?” Bones demanded, running an instrument over his cuts.

 He closed his eyes. The eyes that didn’t work anyway. “I’m so fucking useless, Bones. I was a starship captain and now I can’t even make my own cup of coffee. I hate this. Why didn’t I just fucking die in that explosion?”

Silence. He knew Bones was still there because he still gripped Jim’s hand and still continued to treat the wounds.

“Is that what you wanted?” Bones finally asked.

“Wouldn’t it have been better?”

Bones snorted. “Better for who? Certainly not for me. You’re more than your eyes and a leg to me, Jim. That stuff doesn’t matter in the long run.” His hand covered Jim’s chest where his heart was. “This is you.” Then he tapped Jim’s head. “And this is you.”

“Stop it. You’re gonna make me cry.”

His friend laughed. “Might be good for you. You haven’t really had a good cry. It’s not easy, kid. I know that. You’re the most independent son of a bitch I’ve ever known. You don’t need anybody. Or you didn’t. But then you met me and then you met Spock. And it changed.”

Jim shook his head. “I still don’t want to need anyone.”

“I know. But you’ve got me anyway, you stubborn ass. So you dropped a glass carafe. Not the end of the world. You know that, right?”

He swallowed. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“You want coffee? We’ll make you coffee.”

“I broke the carafe.”

“There’s another one in the cabinet. Bet Nyota’s already making it.”

Jim flexed his hand after Bones had regenerated all the wounds away. “Hey, Bones.”

“Hmm?”

“Were you—were you and Nyota—um, were you guys doing it?”

“Nosey, aren’t you?”

Jim grinned. “You so were, weren’t you?”

“What if we were?”

He shrugged. “Nothing. I just didn’t think the two of you would get together.”

“Yeah, well. Once I thought that about you and the hobgoblin too.”

They turned to go back to the house. Then Jim stopped at the sound of a hover bike approaching.

McCoy put a hand on Jim’s arm. “Speak of the devil.”

 “What?” Jim asked with a frown.

“Spock’s here.”

Jim tensed. “Fuck.”


	6. Chapter 6

Spock had not expected to be confronted by the sight of Jim immediately upon arrival at the farmhouse. For a moment, his shields wavered before he was able to strengthen them.

Jim appeared too thin, too haggard and…desolate. Desolation Spock would also feel if his shields were not firmly in place. Even still, it was difficult. Jim was like a beacon to him, always had been.

Spock’s gaze went immediately to McCoy’s hands on Jim and once more the shields wavered. This…separation was taking its toll on Spock. He needed meditation. He forced breath from his lungs and tried not to let his gaze dwell on the doctor’s hands touching his bondmate. There was little Spock could do with the choice Jim had made.

“Can I go back inside, Bones?” Jim asked in a flat voice.

“Uh, sure, Jim.” And Dr. McCoy led Jim inside without a backward glance at Spock.    

Spock closed his eyes. He was bitterly cold, but it was not only because of the frigid Iowa temperature. Ice had formed around his heart, around his mind. It would not be thawed soon.

He opened his eyes again and looked around the yard of the farmhouse. Little had changed since he’d been there last…only six months before the explosion that had taken Jim away from him. Jim had lived and yet still Spock did not have him.

Nyota came out of the farmhouse and came to where Spock still stood, rooted to the spot. Her eyes were glistening with tears as she embraced him briefly.

“You don’t look good,” she said, her voice soft. “You look worse than when you were on the ship. It’s because he’s so close, isn’t it?”

“It is…difficult.” On the Enterprise, in space, his shields were stronger. The bond—Spock himself—still missed Jim, but it was manageable. While he was with his father in San Francisco he had begun to feel the ache, the thinning of his shields while his mind called out for his T’hy’la. Now, though, it was almost debilitating.

She bit her lip. “He’s so much worse. I tried to warn you when I sent the message.”

“I do appreciate that, but even being warned, it was worse than I imagined.” Spock exhaled slowly. “I do not know if I can do this.”

“Even Leonard has trouble getting through to him.”

Spock stiffened. The reminder that McCoy had a special relationship with Jim that Spock himself did not seem to have caused his head to pound. One’s T’hy’la was supposed to be the special relationship. Spock did not understand.

“Spock?”

He forced himself to focus on Nyota. “I must be able to speak with him without Dr. McCoy’s interference.”

“I know. I don’t believe Leonard will prevent you from talking with him.”

Spock’s jaw clenched. “He is my T’hy’la. He has no right to keep Jim from me.”

She touched his arm. “Spock, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. Of course Leonard does not have that right. He just sort of runs interference, keeping people from hurting Jim.”

Nyota really had no idea she was making everything worse with each word that came out of her mouth.

“I am aware you are developing a personal relationship with the doctor,” Spock said carefully. “Given that, it is logical you would defend him.”

She sighed. “I’m not defending him, Spock. There’s nothing to defend. We care about Jim, too.”

“You cannot know what this is like, Nyota. Neither you nor Dr. McCoy. He oversteps his place.”

“He doesn’t mean to. He loves Jim.” Nyota shook her head. “Not like you, not the same, I _know_ , Spock. But you can’t make him leave Jim’s side just because you are jealous of their friendship.”

“I have never tried to separate them,” Spock said coldly. “I never would.”

Nyota nodded, looking resigned. “I’ll make sure Leonard gives you privacy when you speak with Jim.”

“Thank you.” Spock looked toward the farmhouse. Now that he was here, he could not help but feel reluctant. He felt so many conflicting emotions. Only Jim could do this to him. Bring him metaphorically to his knees so profoundly.

“Are you ready?” she whispered. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Spock did not reply, but instead headed for the door to the farmhouse, Nyota at his heels.

A blast of warmth hit him as soon as he stepped inside. McCoy and Jim were standing in the kitchen. Jim clutched a coffee mug like it was a lifeline. His lips were turned down in a grim line.

“Doctor, I would like to speak to Jim alone.”

McCoy opened his mouth as though to argue and Spock stiffened for an argument, but then the doctor moved away. “Nyota, why don’t you and I go upstairs for a little bit?”

She nodded. “Good idea.”

Spock watched as they went up the stairs, both of them looking back toward Spock and Jim, reluctance at leaving them alone evident in both their faces.

Jim’s stance was defensive, his jaw rigid. Spock wanted nothing more than to touch Jim. He did not. But he did walk forward until he was in the kitchen with Jim.

“What do you want, Spock?” Jim asked, his voice as flat as it had been earlier outside.

Spock swallowed down the bile threatening to rise. “I am here about breaking our bond.”   

 


	7. Chapter 7

**_Seven Months Earlier_ **

 

Spock woke to the feel of Jim’s hand smoothing over his bare chest. His lashes lifted and he met Jim’s blue eyes, the pupils blown wide.

“Good morning,” Jim murmured before attaching his lips to Spock’s. “Sleep well?”

“My rest was adequate.” He slid his fingers into Jim’s blond hair. He loved the softness. “And yours?”

Jim’s lips curved into a smile. “Also adequate.”

“When do we have to be on the bridge?”

“Not for a while. I woke us early enough so we’d have time for some fun.” Now Jim’s smile was wicked, seductive. Enough to make Spock quiver.

“What do you have in mind?”

Jim slithered across Spock’s torso and reached for the lubricant they’d left on the bedside table. “You fucking me of course.”

Spock sensed happiness and lust through their contact. The bond hummed with contentment and peace.

“You know,” Jim said, lying on his back. “I gotta say I’m kind of into the idea of Pon Farr.”

Spock leaned up on his elbows as he watched Jim hike up his legs and insert lube into his anus with his own fingers.

“That is because we have not yet experienced it. I suspect when it comes you will not be so eager, T’hy’la.”

“Please. All this time we’ve been together and you don’t know me? I love sex, Spock.”

“It is not just a matter of sex, Jim.”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. I read about it.”

“Reading about it is not the same as experiencing it. I have also read up on it in preparation for the eventuality. I have also spoken of it with my father.”

Jim’s fingers stilled in their act of preparing himself. “You talked to your father about marathon sex between us?”

“It is not mere marathon sex,” Spock admonished. “It is brutality.”

“I don’t believe you’ll be brutal with me, Spock.”

“Not willingly, no. However, at the time of Pon Farr I will not be in my right mind. I do not wish for you to misunderstand, Ashaya. It is likely going to be most unpleasant and not enjoyable for you at all.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Whatever. It’s gonna be fine.” He resumed the movement of his fingers pushing in and out of his hole.

Spock’s breath became shallow as he reached for his genitals. Jim preparing himself like this was very erotic.

“Oh, God,” Jim moaned. Spock thought he may have moaned with him.

“Jim,” Spock gasped. “Jim, please. I need.”

“I know. I need, too.”

Jim moved up the bed and straddled Spock, slowly easing himself down on Spock’s erection. Spock closed his eyes and rose up to push himself deep into Jim.

“Fuck, Spock. Oh. My. God.”

Jim rode him hard, fast, bouncing up and down on Spock, digging his fingers into Spock’s hipbones with such force he was sure to leave bruises and Spock did not care. He welcomed it. Welcomed everything Jim would give him.

Each time between them became more intense, more in sync to what each one of them craved. Spock craved Jim. And with such an overwhelming need and desire it sometimes frightened him. When they were connected like this it was hard to know where one of them began and the other ended.

Their minds reached toward each other, the threads of their link intertwining to create brilliant connected braids. Before Jim, Spock had never known such mental bliss, such physical bliss, could be possible.

Jim squeezed around Spock’s shaft drawing a loud moan of “Mine” from Spock he was incapable of preventing.

“No,” Jim said, with a shake of his head. “You. Are. Mine.”

He closed his eyes, basking in Jim’s possession. His release was close, very close. He sought the part of Jim’s mind he loved to stimulate.

“Spock, oh, God, you’re not—God, you are.” Jim rode him faster, harder still, with just an edge of frantic.

Spock pushed up, meeting every thrust down. He mentally stroked Jim’s pleasure points.

“Fuck, Spock, oh, jeez, I love when you do that.”

“I know,” Spock said, knowing he sounded rather smug.

Jim’s blue eyes sparkled as he bore down on Spock’s shaft and squeezed his muscles tight.

“Jim,” Spock groaned hoarsely as every nerve in his body seemed to ignite with fire.

“Come, Spock. I want you to explode inside me,” Jim urged.

Spock could certainly not deny his T’hy’la. As though Jim’s words really did have the power to command his very orgasm from him, Spock’s balls tightened and his body shook as he could not hold back his release. He poured his seed within Jim even as Jim’s painted his stomach and chest with his own.

Jim collapsed upon him, nearly smothering Spock with his need to cuddle, but he found he did not mind overmuch. His arms closed around Jim and pulled him close.

Jim sighed against Spock’s chest. “I can’t believe the mission is almost over.”

“You are aware that after our shore leave another mission will begin. Admiral Archer has already advised you.”

“I know. But I don’t know yet if everyone is staying.”

“They will not part us.”

Jim shook his head. “No one can part us.”

“And I am certain they will assign Dr. McCoy as your chief medical officer again.”

“Yeah, I think so too. But what about Scotty? And Uhura and Sulu and Chekov? I don’t want any of them going anywhere. They’re like family now.”

“It is likely they will stay with the Enterprise, T’hy’la, but if they do not, all will be well and you will adapt.”

“We.”

“We?”

Jim leaned up on his elbows and smiled down at Spock. “We will adapt. We’re a team. Parted and never parted. Remember?”

Spock stroked Jim’s cheek, feeling unimaginable contentment. “I will never forget.”

“Nor will I,” Jim whispered.

****

Spock would never have imagined then what he would face just a few days later. That when they landed on the very planet they were scheduled to land upon later that day…everything would change.

Dr. McCoy had informed Spock Jim was blind. It was difficult for Spock to accept therefore he knew it devastated Jim. That this had happened to Jim because he wished to save Spock made it all the more painful to Spock. If Spock had not been standing by the defective computer that overloaded…If he had moved away faster…if Jim had stayed on the ship that day…so many what ifs and none of them were reality. Jim was blind and Spock did not know what to do for him other than offer him whatever Spock could give him.

As Spock prepared to go into Jim’s hospital room, Dr. McCoy stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“He wants to talk to you, Spock.”

“Yes.” Spock thought there was no need to stop him to tell him that when Spock was on his way into Jim’s room. He made to move away.

“Wait, Spock.” Dr. McCoy looked more tired and defeated than Spock had ever seen him, even more so then when Jim had died. “He’s…he’s not himself.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Doctor?”

“This is hitting him harder than anything I’ve ever seen except—” McCoy paused, interrupting himself. “Maybe even harder. He’s different, Spock. Closed off. I don’t know what he wants to say to you.” He paused again, shook his head. “I don’t think it’s good, though.”

Spock nodded. “Very well, doctor. I will consider myself warned.”

He did not allow McCoy to say anything else before he entered Jim’s room. Jim was sitting up in the hospital bed, staring straight ahead, his once vibrant blue eyes blank. His posture was stiff, rigid.

“Jim?”

“Hello, Spock.” Even Jim’s voice was distant, as rigid and stiff as his body. At that moment Spock thought he would rival any unemotional Vulcan.

“Are you comfortable?”

“No.”

“What can I do for you?” Spock asked.

“You can leave.”

Spock’s breath hitched. “Dr. McCoy said that you wished to speak with me.”

“Right. And that’s what I wanted to tell you. I want you to leave.”

“I do not understand.”

Jim sighed. “Look, this isn’t going to work.”

“What is not going to work?”

“You and me.”

Spock frowned, coming close to him. “Jim?”

“I’m _breaking_ up with you,” Jim said, sounding suddenly very angry and frustrated.

Spock’s heart stuttered in his side. “What?”

Jim’s jaw clenched. “It’s over, Spock. I don’t want to see you again.” He laughed, a short, bitter bark of a laugh. “I _can’t_ see you.”

“We share a bond,” Spock said desperately. “You are my T’hy’la.”

Jim waved his hand as if to say it was nothing. “You can shield it, can’t you? Shield it so we can’t feel each other.”

“I do not wish to do so.”

“Well, I want you to. It’s your…thing, not mine. Humans get divorced. I’m divorcing you.”

“Why?” Spock felt dizzy. He clenched the railing of Jim’s hospital bed.

“We aren’t compatible anymore.”

“Compatible?”

“Yes. You can see, I can’t.”

“Jim, T’hy’la—”

“Don’t call me that anymore,” Jim cut in, his voice harsh. “Spock, sometimes relationships don’t work for fewer reasons than ours. I have to spend the rest of my life as a blind invalid. When we bonded that wasn’t the case, so the bond was made under different circumstances. I’m letting you out of it.”

Spock clenched his fists, struggling for control. “I do not wish to be let out of it.”

“I don’t care. I want you out of my mind.” Jim paused. “You can do that right?”

He wanted desperately to deny it. He could not. “Yes.”

“Do it. Now.” He spoke in his captain’s voice.

Spock, though he wished to do so, could not deny him. Shaking with the pain of it, Spock slammed down a wall between their minds. Instantly his mind felt bereft, hollow, desolate.

If Jim felt any ill from it, he showed no signs. “Done, right?”

Spock swallowed heavily. “Yes.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips. For almost a full minute neither of them said a word. Spock found it hard to speak. He now really did know the true meaning of heartbreak.

Forcing a calm he did not feel, Spock finally said, “When you are used to your new limitations, you will feel differently. You will realize that you and I are better together and—”

“No. Never.”

“Jim?”

“Used to this? How the fuck am I ever supposed to get used to this? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I love you and—”

“Get out.”

Spock blinked. “What?”

“I said get out. I don’t want you here. I don’t want you around me. Don’t you get it?”

No, Spock did not get it. Could not get it. It was wrong. All wrong. And his head had begun to ache with the wrongness. The emptiness of the bond. He turned and left the room, feeling more devastated and alone  than he could ever remember. 


	8. Chapter 8

_Present_

For a moment Jim was certain his hearing had gone too.

_“I am here about breaking our bond.”_

Or maybe he had simply stopped breathing.

“Breaking it?”

That was his voice all right, but Jim didn’t realize he had spoken. He was numb. Except he wasn’t. He might not be able to _see_ Spock but he could smell him and fuck he could even feel him though they were not touching. His heart hadn’t stopped trying to beat right out of his chest since Bones had announced Spock’s arrival.

“Yes,” Spock said stiffly. “Under the circumstances I cannot see how you can object.”

The sound of Spock’s voice wrapped around him like a longed for embrace. Despite the coldly spoken words, it took every last bit of strength he had not to take a step closer to Spock. It was almost impossible not to seize hold of Spock and hold him so close neither of them could breathe. But the words coming from Spock did not encourage such a blatantly emotional reaction. Jim didn’t believe such a gesture would be welcome from him right now.

His throat raw, Jim rasped out, “Circumstances.”

“I have found someone else I wish to bond with,” Spock continued. “Since you requested I block the bond and indeed referenced a human divorce I am certain that you will find this solution agreeable.”

Jim licked his lips. “Agreeable?” God, he knew he wasn’t making much sense. Just parroting Spock’s words like some kind of idiot.

_Wait, what?_

“You found someone else?” And just when he thought he was numb to everything, Spock comes along to prove he is not numb at all. He felt like he’d been stabbed in the heart.

Someone else. Someone who wasn’t Jim. Someone who wasn’t blind. Someone who wasn’t totally fucked up. Someone else. Had Spock already fucked them? God.

“Vulcans need bonds,” Spock said as though he weren’t ripping Jim’s heart out and stomping on it. “I spoke with my father and—”

“Your father,” Jim repeated, feeling queasy. “Your father.”

“Yes.”

He nodded. “Of course. He never wanted us to be together in the first place.”

“Captain…Jim.”

Jim heard Spock take a breath and slowly exhale.

“Regardless of what my father’s opinion is, you yourself told me you did not wish the bond.”

“That-that’s right, I did.” All at once he felt so fucking sad he was surprised he didn’t drop to the kitchen floor and bawl his eyes out.

“Breaking the bond will require a journey to New Vulcan to meet with the high priestess. She is the only one who can accomplish such a complicated ceremony.”

The headache that had only been a slight ache now seemed to multiply to excruciating levels. Jim wasn’t sure if it was because of his eyes, because of the bond protesting being broken…he didn’t know. All he knew was it fucking hurt like hell.

Jim gasped and put his hand to his temple.

“Jim! Are you all right?” Spock’s fingers curled around his wrist.

He snatched his wrist away. “Don’t-don’t touch me. I’m fine. I just-I just need to go lay down.”

“What?”

Jim shook his head. “I can’t-Spock. I need to—just leave me alone.” He knew he sounded crazy. Maybe he was. Being away from Spock made him a little unstable. “I need some time alone. Okay? To process this.”

He felt his way out of the kitchen, aware even as he moved that Spock was moving forward, but Jim had to get away. Run away. He couldn’t handle Spock telling him he had someone else and wanted to break their bond so he could be with that someone.

Jim made it to his room and shut the door. He was breathing heavy, sweating. This is what he deserved. He had done this. Turned Spock away. And now…Jim sunk to the floor.

****

“Are you gonna stop pacing?” Nyota asked Leonard from her perch on the edge of the bed. She had her PADD in her hand and was typing at a speed Leonard found slightly nauseating.

“I wanna know what’s going on down there. What do you think Spock is saying? Do you know?”

Nyota glanced up. “Why would I know?”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Goddamn it you do know, don’t you?”

“Leonard—”

“I don’t believe this. You just became my girlfriend and you’re already keeping things from me.”

She closed her mouth. “Girlfriend?”

Leonard stopped pacing to stare at her. Okay, maybe he was jumping the gun. They’d only slept together once. Okay twice. But the first time had been right after Spock and Jim had gotten together. Nyota had been drunk and Leonard…well he didn’t know what he was. A little hung up on her, he supposed. When that night ended they both had agreed it was a mistake and they were better off friends.

He’d pretty much agreed because it seemed clear that’s what she wanted him to agree to. So when she had arrived here in Iowa, Leonard had been surprised when she’d made a move toward him. Maybe he’d gotten it wrong again.

He frowned. “Is this where you tell me we’re better off friends again?”

Nyota put down her PADD and stood, coming to where he stood. She looped her arms around his neck. “No, Leonard, no. I was confused then. I’m not confused now.”

“So, are you my girlfriend or not?” He was scowling he knew but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from it.

“I am.” She kissed the edge of his mouth.

“Well, then what the hell is Spock doing down there?”

She sighed and shook her head. “It’s not my place to tell you, Leonard. This is Spock’s business.”

“And Jim’s business. Which makes it mine.”

Nyota pulled away from him. “I used to think maybe you wanted to be with Jim.”

“Me and Jim?”

“You are really close.”

Leonard laughed. “We’re like brothers.” He sat on the bed and patted the spot next to him. “Sit down, darlin’.”

Nyota sat. “Okay what?”

“Jim and I met on the shuttle, you know, from Riverside.”

She nodded. “I know.”

“When we first met, we were friendly, but we didn’t instantly become as close as we are now. That didn’t happen until he had a nightmare.”

“A nightmare? What do you mean, Leonard?”

“Everyone has nightmares. I know that. But this was different. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life and I never want to see it again.” Leonard blew out a breath. “He was inconsolable. And so terrified. I think I’ll be haunted by that fucking night for the rest of my days. That’s how I find out he’d been on Tarsus.”

Nyota gasped. “Tarsus? Jim was there?”

“Yeah. And he had these terrible dreams. He seemed so tough…rough, actually. But then those would come and I’d see the little boy in him.” Leonard buried his head in his hands. “I promised myself then, no I promised _him_ , I’d never abandon him. I’d be his friend when no one else was around. No matter what he did, no matter what he said. And Jim promised me the same thing.” He looked at her. “We’ve had each other’s backs ever since then.”

“You’re amazing, Leonard,” she said, giving him a hug. When she pulled back, her dark eyes were sad. “Spock came to tell Jim he wants to break their bond.”

Leonard stared at her as he felt his heart plummet. “Fuck. Fuck.” He stood and went to the bedroom door.

“Leonard?”

“I’m gonna kill that hobgoblin,” he said over his shoulder as he stormed out of the room, Nyota on his heels.

At the foot of the stairs he ran into Spock coming from the direction of Jim’s room.

“Spock—”

“Not now, doctor. The captain is missing.”

“He’s what?” Nyota asked.

“He went to his room to be alone and when I went to speak to him there I found the room unoccupied and the window open.”

“What the fuck?” Leonard exclaimed. “Jim’s blind.”

“I am well aware of that, doctor,” Spock said curtly. “I must find him.”

“I’m gonna look too.”

Nyota shook her head. “Do you still think this idea of yours was a smart thing to do, Spock?”

“Now is not the time, Nyota,” Spock said.

“What idea?” Leonard demanded.

“Later,” she said. “Let’s go. It’s getting colder out there.”

And they grabbed their coats and went to look for Jim.


	9. Chapter 9

Spock stepped into the cold Iowa evening, alert and searching for Jim. His heart stuttered in his side when he did not immediately spot him. Dusk was falling and with the night the temperature would drop. Jim had only a light coat on.

“Nyota and I will go to the left,” McCoy said coming to stand beside Spock. “You go to the right. And let us know the minute you find him. We’ll do the same.”

Spock nodded but did not trust himself to speak. He was all too aware he was fully responsible for this. If Jim were injured, Spock would not forgive himself.

He searched for footprints as he started out but detected none. It was difficult to believe Jim had gotten far but Spock also knew his mate was extraordinarily resourceful. No human was his match. Spock had no doubt that even blind Jim could do many things others could not.

Shaking his head, trying to clear it from the constant haze he’d experienced since blocking their link and being parted from Jim, Spock made a decision. He opened their bond, unshielded completely and sought out his mate.

No response. Only darkness. Anguish. And pain. The intensity of which made Spock stumble. He righted himself and tried again.

_Jim, please. Where are you? We need to talk._

_Spock._

It was faint but it was there and it was enough to know he was headed in the right direction to find Jim.

Spock tried to project warmth and calm to Jim but there was a block, a wall or rather a chasm between them which Jim would not let Spock pass through. He could still feel Jim’s emotions…raw pain, sorrow, heartbreak. And love. Jim loved Spock, he could feel it and it pushed Spock forward to find him.

With love there was hope.

Spock had not opened their bond since Jim had demanded he shield it, believing it was best to respect Jim’s wishes. He’d tried to reach Jim other ways, trying to see him, trying to contact him through his watchdog McCoy…only to have him refused at every turn. Security guards had been placed outside Jim’s hospital room at one point.

That had been a low point for Spock. It had been then he had taken the offered position as captain of the Enterprise. He’d believed time between them might help Jim realize that he was making a mistake by shutting Spock out. Then he’d received a communication from Starfleet indicating Jim had officially terminated their relationship with the Federation. That cut deep.

He stopped on the other side of the property’s barn and reached out with their link.

 _Jim_.

The only answer he got was renewed anguish and despair. Vulcans felt their emotions deeply but they felt the emotions of their bondmates that much more intensely. He clenched his fists fighting for control. He had to reach Jim and giving in to Jim’s roiling emotions would be disastrous for both of them.

Down from the barn was a massive Oak tree with a trunk that gave evidence the tree had been there hundreds of years. Spock knew with a certainty that could only come from both his knowledge of Jim and the bond that he would locate Jim there.

He made his way there, his heart pounding hard, afraid that perhaps he had too much hope and was wrong. But when he reached the tree, Spock spotted Jim instantly, on his knees leaning against the tree, the track of tears streaming down his face.

Almost weak with relief, Spock dropped to the ground beside Jim, reaching for him. “T’hy’la,” he managed to get out around the soreness in his throat.

“Spock,” Jim sounded hoarse, his voice weak and a little confused. “Are you…is the bond?”

“Open? Yes. And I will never close it again,” Spock vowed. His hands cupped Jim’s face and through their contact, though Jim’s mind was still blocking him, Spock projected his love.

“I don’t—you said you wanted to break it.”

Spock swallowed. “Do not shut me out, T’hy’la. I cannot bear it.”

Jim whimpered and suddenly threw his arms around Spock and hugged him so tight that Spock’s breath caught in his throat. Jim was shaking and crying again, but he was holding onto Spock like he never wanted to let go.

Spock closed his eyes and pulled Jim closer, but he also took out his communicator. “Spock to McCoy.”

“McCoy here. Did you find Jim?” the doctor asked, anxiously.

“Yes, doctor. He is safe.”

“Hang on, I’m coming there.”

Jim shook his head against Spock.

“Not now, doctor. He is safe but we need some time,” Spock told him. “I will return with him soon. Go back to the farmhouse and wait there. Spock out.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered, his head now buried against Spock’s chest. “I can’t handle him or anyone right now. I don’t want them to see me like this.”

“It is fine, Ashayam. I am here.”

“I know. I want you here.” And then almost shyly, “If you want to be.”

“I would choose to never leave your side.”

“But you said…” Jim exhaled slowly. His tears had ceased and he took a steadying breath. He still clung to Spock and Spock realized he was perhaps clinging to Jim. “You have someone else?”

“No,” Spock whispered. “There is no one else. There will never be anyone else. You are everything to me. You have been and always shall be. I would die alone rather than ever bond with another. You are my T’hy’la, my cherished one. Without you I am but a shell of myself.”

“Then—”

“Ashayam, there are words that need to be said—many words—but I do not want to have them out here where you will be uncomfortable in the cold. I am unwilling to cause you further suffering, even in this small amount. Will you accompany me back to the farmhouse?”

Jim did not respond immediately and Spock found his breath was stilled as he waited. He still had direct contact with Jim’s skin, so he tried projecting his remorse and love with as much potency as he could provide, which was limited given Jim’s side of the bond had not been fully unshielded.

“Trust me, T’hy’la. As you once did.”

Jim’s teeth scraped across his bottom lip, but he nodded. “Okay.”

Spock rose and immediately reached down to hoist Jim up. He looped his arm around Jim’s waist.

“I can probably make it on my own,” Jim said softly.

“I have no doubt of that, but I do not wish to stop touching you at present, so if you will indulge me”

Jim nodded again. “All right.”

They did not speak as they made their way back to the farmhouse, Spock’s arm secure around Jim. It was almost fully dark now but Spock could easily see the lights from the house like a beacon. He did not desire interference from Dr. McCoy but he saw no alternative but to bring Jim home.

The door to the house opened as soon as they neared it and Spock tried to refrain from frowning. Jim had stiffened at his side.

“Jim?”

“Hey, Bones. I’m sorry to worry you. Can…um…Spock and I need to…I’m okay, all right? But we need some privacy.”

Spock was gratified the request came from Jim, though Spock would have insisted himself if Jim had not. McCoy’s lips thinned as he stepped aside to allow Spock and Jim into the house.

Nyota stood in the kitchen, hugging herself, and looking concerned. She looked to Spock with a question in her eyes but Spock had no answer for her yet so he just led Jim through the house and toward his bedroom.

“I should probably check him out,” McCoy said. “Make sure—”

But Jim interrupted him. “I’m fine, Bones. I wasn’t injured.”

Spock twisted the knob on the door and then led Jim into the room. Jim made his way to the bed and sat down. Spock engaged the lock on the door. He was certain McCoy would respect their privacy, but an extra precaution would not be illogical.

Spock knew that at the moment he did not have the right to sit beside his mate as an equal, so he dropped to his knees in front of Jim and bowed his head.

“I ask that you forgive me. I am aware that I do not deserve your mercy for the lies I have told.”

Jim licked his lips. “So you did lie?”

“I am not proud of my deception. However, I found myself running out of options, as you would say. It seemed a no-win scenario. I wished to get through to you, to make you see that you needed our bond as much as I do.”

“So all that stuff about Vulcans cannot lie—”

“Is a fallacy. It is not that we are incapable or that our tongues would fall out if it was to happen, but rather that our teachings have taught us to tell falsehoods is without honor.”

Jim exhaled very slowly and held up his hand.

Spock swallowed and lifted his hand up to Jim’s, placing their hands together. The bond flickered, heated, thrummed with such energy it made Spock shake.

“There is no one else then?” Jim asked softly.

“Never, as I told you.”

“And your father?”

Spock shook his head, ant then remembered that Jim could not see the movement. “My father seeks to make sense of what he does not know. He has never had a T’hy’la bond. He only understands regular Vulcan bonds. And he underestimates the depth of my affection for you.”

“So you did not intend to break our bond.” It was a statement, not a question.

“No,” Spock whispered. “The idea is anathema to me. If you were to never allow me to be in your presence again, if you were once again to demand I block our link, I would still not break it. I would live an eternity alone for without you any other choice is not possible.”

“I’m sorry.” Jim moved forward until he had launched himself at Spock, his arms around Spock’s neck, his legs straddling Spock. If not for Spock’s strength, Jim would have laid him flat on his back. Spock clung to him as though Jim were his very life. He was. “I’m sorry.” Jim kissed him. “I’m sorry.” Kissed him again. “I’m sorry.” And again. Spock was breathless.

“Why do you apologize?”

“I sent you away.”

“There is nothing I would not forgive you for.”

“You should not.”

“I should.” Spock closed his eyes and buried his face in his T’hy’la’s neck. “I cannot deny that it caused me grievous pain.”

“Spock.”

“To watch you choose the doctor over me was…I cannot convey it in words.”

“Oh, Spock, I didn’t. I wouldn’t.”

“Jim, you did. You sent me away and allowed him to remain by your side and take care of you. That was and is my right and you gave it to another.”

“Oh, God.” Jim shook in his arms and Spock found his arms tightening around him. He scooted Jim’s shirt up so that his fingers could rest on bare skin, he required the contact. “I did. That was…I didn’t mean to do that. Not like you think.”

“Will you explain?” Spock asked softly.

“I didn’t want you to hate me.”

“Hate you? I could never.”

“I was blind. I was a burden. You…you shouldn’t be forced to have someone like me.”

“A burden?” Spock shook his head. “Is that what you see?”

Jim just nodded.

“Ashayam, let me tell you what I see. What I see is someone who is brave, kind, generous, loving, giving, a genius, the finest captain Starfleet has ever known, a legend, the man who gave up his very sight so that I could live. What I see is my mate, my lover, my captain, my friend, my brother, my soul, my heart, my T’hy’la, my everything.” Spock took a breath. “And even were you a burden, I would seek every minute of every day of every year we have together and to eternity to be burdened with you.”

Jim sobbed, shook his head, and pulled Spock tighter still until it was as though their bodies were one.

“Will you let me in? Will you open your end of the bond? Please.”

Jim’s wall came crumbling down, like a crash, like a quake, each block, each stone breaking and disintegrating as though it was never there between them, as though it would never be there again. The bond embraced them, wrapped around them, bright and full in happiness…in joy. So powerful that Spock realized tears were streaming down his own face and his heart was full as it had not been for months. He was in awe of Jim’s mind, his love, his very being.

“I love you, Spock.”

“I love you, T’hy’la.”


	10. Chapter 10

Waking up was one of the hardest things Jim had to do since the explosion. He never got used to it. Used to opening his eyes, expecting to see light…expecting to see and all he woke to was darkness. But he did notice as he struggled up from sleep that for the first time in months he did not have a headache.

It took him a moment to take in the presence in his mind, there with him again. The bond was a steady hum in the back of his mind, not exactly intrusive but Jim could never really ignore it either. The more awake and alert he became, though, the more he recognized he was feeling…agitated. And it was not from himself.

He sat up. “Spock?”

“You damn hobgoblin!” Bones shouted and then Jim heard something…or maybe someone…being slammed against a wall or a door. And Spock was growling.

_What the fuck?_

“Spock? Bones?”

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him, Jim,” Bones said, sounding out of breath. “I used the key you gave me to get in here because I wanted to check on you and—”

Spock snarled.

Jim could feel Spock’s rage and despair. The bond thrummed with pain but also with possession and lust. It was confusing as hell.

“Spock, let Bones go. _Spock_.” He scrambled from the bed and stuck his hands out, reaching for Spock. Finally he touched the rigid back of his Vulcan. “Hey, Spock. _Spock_. I’m here. I’m here.”

Spock trembled under him. The growling had stopped. But judging by Bones’ heavy breathing, Spock still had a hold of him.

“Release him, Spock,” Jim said more firmly. “That’s an order.”

Spock stepped back very slightly, until he was practically plastered against Jim.

“Jesus,” Bones said. “Stupid hobgoblin.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah. But what the hell?”

He could still feel the rage, pain and lust broadcast from their bond.

“Mine,” Spock said in a low, gravelly voice.

“Um, yeah.” Jim exhaled. “Listen, Bones, I’m fine. Really. It’s Spock. He’s not going to hurt me.”

“You gotta be kidding me! He just had his hand around my throat and he held me up off the floor like I was—”

“Bones, it’s okay. I think it’s like something to do with the Vulcan thing. Maybe.”

“Vulcan thing?”

“You know the possessive stuff.”

“You aren’t talking about Pon Farr, are you?”

“Mine,” Spock said again and Jim felt Spock practically surround him, no doubt blocking him from Bones.

“Maybe. I don’t know. But I need to talk to him. And you need to get out.”

“Jim—”

“Really.” Jim felt Spock’s agitation spike. He scooted his fingers under Spock’s shirt and touched skin. It seemed to soothe Spock a fraction. “I can handle Spock. If there’s anything we need I’ll let you know. But you and Uhura, go…I don’t know…have fun.”

“You expect me to just leave you in here with him?” Bones demanded.

“Yeah, I do. I’m fine, Bones. We’re fine. Now go before he attacks you again.”

“I don’t like this.”

Jim shook his head. “Noted. Out, Bones.”

The door closed and Spock turned around, wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him tight against him.

“Okay, okay.” Jim laughed. He hugged Spock. “You all right?”

“Mine.”

Jim sighed and leaned his head on Spock’s chest. “Yes. I promise.”

Spock quaked, inhaled and nuzzled Jim’s hair. “Forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. But…you aren’t in Pon Farr, are you?” Jim knew eventually Spock would experience it, but he hadn’t expected it to happen now with everything else they were dealing with.

Spock took a moment before answering. “I do not know. However, I do not believe so.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Can you—let’s get back in bed, all right?”

It was Spock who led them to the bed and drew Jim down next to him, wrapping his arms so tight around him, Jim wondered if he would be able to breathe. But he owed this to Spock. Spock’s hands were roaming all over Jim’s bare skin and it was a bit distracting, but Jim knew Spock craved touch, it comforted him. If this was what Spock needed, Jim would give it to him.

“What was that about?” he eventually asked. “If not Pon Farr, why were you attacking Bones?”

“I am not myself.”

“I know. Me neither. Spock, talk to me.  I know that’s my fault. I don’t like talking about stuff and you don’t either because you don’t want to deal with emotions. But I think that’s why we’re here now, all fucked up.”

“I cherish thee,” Spock said in a low voice, tightening his hold further.

Jim’s throat tightened. “I know, honey. I love you, too. And I’m sorry I shut you out. Again. I keep doing that.”

Spock did not reply immediately and when he did, Jim almost wished he hadn’t. “You shut me out in favor of Dr. McCoy. Is it him you want?”

“Spock---”

“If it is, I will step aside.”

“No,” Jim said, shaking his head rapidly. His heart hammered hard in his chest. “No. Spock, no. Bones is like a brother to me, I love him, yeah, but not like you, not at all like you. You can feel my emotions. The bond is open. You have to know.”

Suddenly Jim found himself on his back with Spock hovering over him, pressing down on him. He could feel Spock’s breath fanning over his face, knew their lips were very close.

“Then why do you continue to choose him over me?” Spock’s voice was hoarse, hurt. “You are _my_ mate. It is my right to care for you.”

“I don’t mean to.” He felt the prick of tears in his eyes.

“You do not trust me to stay with you?”

Jim shook his head. “I know you would. You would never leave me if it was your choice.”

“Then—”

“I told you, I don’t want to be a burden, Spock. To you least of all. You would—you would resent me. You would try not to, I know you would try, but it would grow and fester in you, until you would hate your life. Hate me.” The tears flowed freely down his cheeks now. “Eventually I would have sent Bones away too. Everyone. I thought it better to be alone than to destroy everyone else’s life.”

“All this time you have been with me and yet you do not know me at all.” Spock stroked his thumb over a tear. “You are my T’hy’la. You mean more than my own life. And no guards you place to stop me will ever change that. I will never tire of you, I will never find you are a burden. You saved my life many times over. You gave your sight to save me, and yet you would throw that life you saved away so carelessly.”

Jim clenched his eyes shut as more tears fell from his unseeing eyes. “That wasn’t what I intended.”

“Whatever your intentions were, they were foolish,” Spock declared, but there was no harshness in his tone, only love, only acceptance. All Spock had ever tried to give him. “I will always cherish you. Until death and beyond.” He kissed Jim softly. “You do and always have tried my patience like no other.”

Jim threaded his fingers through Spock’s hair. He tracked them through the well-loved Vulcan cut. “I don’t deserve you.”

“You are wrong.”

He shook his head. “I don’t. But damned if I don’t have to have you just the same. I’m so fucking selfish, I want you with me forever. No matter how many times I fuck up, I want you to take me back.”

“Then we are agreed,” Spock said, kissing him again.

“Yes. Spock?”

“Yes, T’hy’la?”

“I promise not to choose Bones over you again. And I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“I, too, apologize for hurting you. We are better together than apart.”

“Yes.” He cupped Spock’s jaw, stroked his fingers over the slight stubble there. “I may never see again.”

“I am aware. I will see for both of us.”

Jim smiled a little. “From the Enterprise?”

“I am giving up command. I have never wanted it. The ship is yours and I do not wish to serve on it without you.”

“Spock—”

“There is nothing you can say that will change my mind, Ashayam.”

“God, you’re so perfect.” He kissed Spock fiercely and then pulled away to ask, “My headache is gone. Did you do that?”

“My head ached as well, Jim. It was the loss of the bond for both of us.”

“Should have known.” Jim pushed up against him. “I’ve missed you.”

Spock’s breath hitched at the press of Jim’s erection. “I have also missed you.”

Jim grinned. “It may not be Pon Farr, but you could stake your claim anyway, right?”

Spock nipped Jim’s bottom lip. “I am always happy to show you that you are mine.”

“Yours. I am definitely yours.”  

 


	11. Chapter 11

Spock woke to the feel of Jim lying in his arms. It was a feeling he had, for several months, wondered if he would ever have again. He’d been given a second chance with Jim.

He threaded his fingers in the soft blond hair on his mate’s head. Jim hummed a bit and then stirred in Spock’s arms. “Hey.”

“T’hy’la.” He kissed Jim’s forehead.

“You’re thinking really hard.”

“I apologize. Do you wish for me to raise my shields?”

Jim sighed and splayed his fingers across Spock’s bare chest. “No, it’s all right. But I can tell what you’re thinking and you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I failed you as a mate.”

“No, Spock. I failed you. You were right about everything. As usual. And I shouldn’t have sent you away.” Jim sighed again. “Can we stop talking about it and just, you know, move on and live our lives together again?”

“If you wish.”

“I do. Talking about the same old shit over and over again isn’t really my thing.” Jim tugged a little bit of Spock’s chest hair. “Was that bad? That was bad of me to say, huh?”

Spock shook his head. “No. I can feel your love. I do not doubt your commitment to the bond. To me.”

“Good. And I’m sorry for everything.”

“There is no reason to continually apologize either, Jim. We have both erred in the past. It is time to accept our mistakes. We will be stronger for it.”

Jim kissed Spock’s chest. “I don’t regret it, you know.”

“What, T’hy’la?”

“Saving you. Even knowing what the consequences would be, I’d do it a hundred times in a row. Whatever it takes to save you, I’ll do it.”

“I feel the same.” Spock flipped Jim until he lay on his back with Spock hovering over him. He placed his fingers over Jim’s meld points and melded them. The bond exploded with arousal and need. Spock allowed his amusement to enter their bond. “Again?”

Jim smiled. “I’ve always been insatiable, Spock. You should know that.”

“As long as it is with me, I can accept it.”

Jim cupped Spock’s jaw. “Only with you. Always.”

His possessiveness spiked with his arousal and Spock’s cock grew hard and pressed against Jim’s leg.

“I think someone else is ready again, too,” Jim teased.

Spock growled and reached for the lubricant which he had left close by from earlier. After preparing his mate with the lube, Spock pushed into him, groaning with pleasure as Jim tightened around him.

****

Spock opened the door of the bedroom carefully, peering into the quiet living room.

“They didn’t leave, did they?” Jim asked from behind him.

“I would find that agreeable.”

Jim laughed and Spock was gratified to hear it. “Now, Spock. I didn’t mean for them to leave altogether. I just meant for them to leave us alone for a bit.”

Spock stepped out of the room. “Doctor? Nyota?” There was no answer, but Spock spotted evidence that they were still somewhere around the farmhouse. “They have not left. Yet.”

Jim followed him out and it took all of Spock’s will power not to reach out a hand to help Jim. Jim was independent. Always had been. He would not appreciate Spock coddling him, even blind.

“You want them to leave?”

Spock thought about it. “I would like us to have time together to renew our relationship without interference.”

“You mean from Bones.”

He hesitated. “It is not that I do not like the doctor, T’hy’la.”

Jim reached out two fingers and Spock met them gratefully. “I know, Spock. And maybe you’re right. I’ve spent so much time shutting you out, maybe we should spend some time together…just you and me.”

“I would like that.” Spock added, “If acceptable to you.”

“It totally is. We’ll have to talk to them. Maybe they can go somewhere together and get to know each other better.”

Spock arched a brow, forgetting for a moment his mate couldn’t see it. It would still take some getting used to. “Nyota is engaged in an amorous relationship with the doctor?”

“You didn’t know?”

“Why would I? I ceased to worry about who she spent time with when you became mine.”

Jim smiled and wrapped his arms around Spock. “I like the sound of that. Yeah, they are. I think it just started when she came here. But I dunno, not sure on the timing.”

Spock saw McCoy and Nyota coming toward the back door. “They are returning.”

“Well, look who decided to get out of bed,” McCoy said, as they opened the door and walked inside. He threw Spock a scowl.

“Good morning, doctor, Nyota.”

“It’s afternoon. Late afternoon.”

Nyota looked searchingly at Spock so he nodded and her eyes lit with warmth. McCoy, seeing the exchange, scowled more.

“Jim, how are you feeling?” the doctor demanded, sidestepping behind Spock and pulling Jim away before Spock could stop him.

Jim laughed and batted at McCoy’s hands. “Stop with the grabby hands, Bones. I’m fine. I’m blind, not sick.”

“Well, I didn’t get to examine you after the hobgoblin brought you back here,” McCoy protested.

“I didn’t need examining. I was a little cold is all. And Spock warmed me up.”

“You two trying to make me puke?”

Nyota laughed. “Now, Leonard. I think they are cute together. And I’m glad they finally got their heads out of their asses and got back together.”

Jim laughed and Spock couldn’t help but think how pleasant a laugh he had.

“Fine! All three of you are against me.”

“Don’t be such a grump, Bones. Nyota is right.”

Spock decided all this camaraderie was fine, but it was time to get to the point. “When can you leave?”

“Spock!”

“Stupid hobgoblin.”

Spock quirked a brow. “Was that inappropriate?”

“Kind of,” Jim said, still obviously amused. “Let’s at least have dinner together.”

“Actually, Spock, I think you and I need to have a word,” McCoy said.

“Very well, doctor.”

“What? Wait. Bones—”

“Stay out of this, Jim.”

“Leonard—”

“You too, Nyota. This is between me and the hobgoblin.”

“Jim, let’s get started on making that dinner,” Nyota suggested and McCoy threw her a grateful look.

_Spock?_

_It is all right, T’hy’la. I will tell you what is said later._

“Let’s go outside just for a moment,” the doctor suggested.

Spock followed him outside and closed the door, bracing himself for whatever berating the doctor thought he deserved. He would be kind to McCoy only because he was Jim’s closest friend.

“Spock, I owe you an apology.”

Spock blinked, arched a brow. “Doctor?”

“Yeah, I’m as thrilled as you are about it.” McCoy ran his fingers through his hair. “Listen, it was wrong of me to help Jim shut you out of his life during his recovery and after. At the time I convinced myself it was what Jim wanted, but it wasn’t. And I’ve known that for a long time. I should have done more to convince him to talk to you. The truth is, you two are better together than apart and that’s been true since the beginning.”

Spock opened his mouth, closed it.

Dr. McCoy smirked. “Rendered you speechless, huh?” He ran a hand through his hair again and looked out at the farm land. “I guess everyone thought I brought you out here to chew you out for coming to Riverside to tell Jim you were gonna break the bond. And I planned to earlier. But then I thought about it. Jim’s hard to get through to. I know that. You did what you thought you had to do to get him to listen.” McCoy shook his head. “That boy from Tarsus deserves to be happy. And that kid who took on Starfleet and Nero and fucking died for his crew, he deserves to be happy. You make him happy, Spock. And maybe, just maybe, you deserve to be happy too.”

“I accept your apology, doctor,” Spock said quietly. “And I offer one of my own.”

“Oh?”

“There have been times I was convinced, illogically, that it was your intention to take Jim away from me. I have experienced…jealousy. Jim is my mate and it is my right to care for him, however, as his friend and doctor, I am aware you consider it your right as well.”

“Don’t worry, Spock. You have nothing to be worried about where Jim is concerned. You’ve been all he’s wanted since you accused him of cheating.”

“Most peculiar.”

“Damn right, but that’s Jim. Shall we go back inside? I’m starving.”

Spock followed him back inside the house and he could smell garlic and tomatoes. He went right to Jim, who stood near Nyota, a glass of wine in his hand.

“Okay?” Jim asked.

Spock leaned over and kissed him, tasting the slight taste of sour wine. “Everything is fine.”

“Perfect even,” McCoy said.

Jim smiled and kissed Spock again.

Nyota handed Spock a glass of alcohol. He quirked a brow but took it.

Jim raised his glass. “To friends.”

“To friends,” they all responded and took a sip.

“Live long and prosper.”   


	12. Chapter 12

Epilogue

_6 Months Later_

“Jim?”

“Out here, Spock.”

The door of the farmhouse closed and then a moment later strong arms wrapped around him from behind. Jim sighed and leaned back into his bondmate and husband. They’d made the human marriage ceremony official just three months earlier.

One day Jim hadn’t been able to keep the thoughts of wanting to marry Spock out of his head and Spock had sensed them. He’d declared if getting married was what Jim desired, however illogical it was since they were already bondmates, then that was what they would do. Bones had even been ordained so that he could perform their ceremony.

“What are you doing?” Spock asked directly next to his ear.

“Gazing out at the stars.” Jim’d had an experimental operation to restore his sight one month ago. It wasn’t perfect, not yet anyway, and maybe it never would be, but it was better than being totally blind. Even if he now had to wear a pair of black framed thick glasses.

“Dreaming of space again?” Spock murmured.

“I’ll always dream of space,” he admitted.

Spock stiffened behind him. “T’hy’la—”

“Yeah, I know, Spock. There’s no guarantee I’ll ever get the Enterprise back or any other ship really.”

“I do not wish for you to get your hopes up.”

“That’s probably too late.” He sighed. “There’s a chance, though, and for now, that’s good enough.”

“It is cold,” Spock said after a moment, snuggling closer to Jim.

“You can go back inside if you want.”

“Not without you. I made a fire.”

Jim smiled. “That sounds nice.” He shook his head. “If anyone would have told me all those years ago that one day I’d end up back in Riverside just like I started…I wouldn’t have believed it. I thought I got away for good.”

“Jim, we do not need to live here. We can go anywhere you desire. San Francisco, New Vulcan, London. Even if you never make it back as a starship captain, I am certain Starfleet would welcome both of us at the academy as instructors.”

“That’s certainly true. But I kind of like the idea of you and I retiring here together as an old couple. Elderly couple. That sounds better than old, doesn’t it?”

“It does. How about a couple in their advanced years?”

Jim winced and laughed. “I think that sounds worse. I don’t know, someday, have a couple of horses.”

“Horses?”

He nodded. “You’d look cute with a cowboy hat perched on that pointy-eared head of yours.”

Spock bit Jim’s ear which made him laugh. “You have hung around the doctor too much.”

“I miss Bones. I should call him.”

“I miss Nyota too,” Spock said quietly.

“How is her pregnancy going?”

“She said well the last we spoke. They are anticipating twins.”

Jim laughed. “Poor Bones. He’s gonna make a great dad.”

“Can we go inside now?”

“Yes, all right.” Jim turned and kissed Spock’s cold nose and walked with him into the farmhouse. As promised, a fire was burning quite warm and bright in the living room fireplace.

Spock sat on the sofa and Jim sat on Spock, allowing him to wrap his arms around Jim once more. It was their favorite position on the couch.

Spock’s fingers ran through Jim’s hair. “You are bored here?”

“I was always bored here. It’s why I used to get in so much trouble.”

“We could travel for a bit while your eyesight improves,” Spock suggested.

“Where shall we go?”

“I believe my father would welcome a visit from us.”

Jim grimaced.

“Jim, my father is not displeased you are my mate.”

“Sure.”

“He is not. He bonded with a human himself.”

“He hates me.”

“Vulcans do not hate.”

“Oh blah blah blah. They do so hate. I know you, Spock.”

Spock tugged a little on Jim’s hair. “My father does not hate you. He admires you.”

“Does he?” Jim asked with not a little skepticism.

“I assure you, he does. He admires your command abilities, your heroics, your tactical mind, and your ability to tolerate his son.”

Jim chuckled. “Well, there is that.”

“Indeed.”

“Okay, we can go visit your dad. And Bones and Nyota, too.”

“I think they, too, would welcome a visit.” Spock kissed the top of Jim’s head. “And then we can reevaluate our living arrangements and the progress of your sight.”

Jim sighed and closed his eyes, relaxing against his husband. “Sounds nice. And really as long as you’re with me, I can’t complain.”

“I will always be with you, T’hy’la.”

“Good.” Jim smiled. “I like that you are what I see when I go to sleep and what I see when I wake up.”

“It is the same for me,” Spock said, tightening his arms around Jim. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dula.”

Jim took Spock’s hand and kissed his fingers. “I cherish you too, sweetheart.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is a wrap on another fiction and another series (Forever). You can read their beginning in Conduct Unbecoming and their conclusion in Notes From a Conference, but...all can be read as stand alones too. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.


End file.
